By: David Hickie with a bow to Dr. Seuss

Two thirds of prairie farmers liked the Wheat board a lot

But the Ritz who lived just east of Alberta, Did Not!

The Ritz hated the Wheat Board with undaunted passion,

Now please don’t ask why. Maybe he thought it was the fashion.Gerry Grinch 04

It could be that he was just simply mad,

Or his bosses in the grain companies orders they had.
But I think the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his Brain was two sizes too small!

But whatever the reason, his sanity or his brain,

He stood there hating the Board and its twain.


Staring down from Ottawa he sneered at farmers living in the West,

For he alone knew for them what was Best!

They’re selling their grain with the Board’s help,

Why that’s positively undemocratic he’d Yelp!


Its Socialist, its Communist, I fear.

It’s a violation of everything we Tories hold dear!

No Windfall profits for the very rich,

No Ordinary persons cheated of their last stitch!

I must find some way to kill the Wheat Board

For he knew, someday he wouldn’t be re-elected

And that would leave him economically dejected!


But if he did his dear friends in Cargill a favor,

Oh what financial rewards they would savor!

Why think of all the money they’d make

Without the Wheat Board to guarantee farmers their take!


He’d kill the Wheat Board without a second thought

Indeed a decision hoped for and brought

To the Corporate Who-Whos would then start singing,

Of those Wonderful Tories, their hearts all a-ringing.


And the more the Ritz thought of the Wheat Board

And all that filthy money and power the Tories would hoard

I must kill the Wheat Board. I must kill it now,

I must destroy this favored Sacred Cow!


Then he got an idea, an awful idea.

I know just what to do.

The Ritz laughed evilly from deep in his throat

With a gleam in his eye, a memo he wrote!


We’ll tell ‘em we’re not killing the Board,

Merely making it Voluntary

Course anyone honestly who believes that is scary.


We know too well that it won’t long survive,

Without its monopoly to keep it alive

For how can it compete for the Farmers’ grains,

When it has no terminals or trains?

And even the law says we must conduct a farmer vote,

We don’t care about that, not one jote!


If a Liberal or EnDeeP breaks a law of this land,

We’ll have them arrested right out of hand!

But a Tory who breaks the legal rules

Can rely on Parliamentary privilege and call us all fools!


So the Ritz hatched out his unholy plan,

To destroy the Board, to do what he can

He put before the house the Bill to Kill

The Wheat Board and every tiny Frill

Of farmer’s economic freedom from the whim of grim fate

As represented by Cargill, Bunge, Dreyfuss (oh what a sad date!)


The Bill flew through Commons, as Tory trained seals

With deaf ears, steadfastly ignored plaintive appeals.

Why not a vote, to consult was the cry!

Why not follow the Law, oh tell us why?


But the Ritz and the Tories with a huge majority

Weren’t prepared to risk a fair vote you see.

They knew the vote would say please don’t proceed,

With the death of the Board, and make them pay heed!


So on to the Senate, supposed of sober second thought,

Again more Tory trained seals, used their brains for naught.

The Bill passed final approval and on it went

To the Governor-General for final assent!


Critics asked him to please hold his pen and ink

Until the courts could rule on the legal stink.

But it was alas all to no avail,

He would not listen to the fuss and wail


So the Ritz succeeded in his evil thrill,

The Wheat Board, the Wheat Board he’d killed!

Though in theory it still might be alive on paper,

Give it two years, and that’d be the end of the caper!


The Ritz gloated and gloated with evil cheer,

I ain’t done yet, I’m not done here!

There’s Egg and Dairy, damn commie, marketing boards,

Unholy, socialist refuges and hoards.

They’re next on my list, I’ll get them yet!

I’ll kill them too, oh, want to Bet?

The End?